Fashion Trends to Make Your Eyes Bleed

I am an unashamed fashion-hoe; the putting together of potential outfits takes up an embarrassingly large amount of my brain space. And yet there are certain trends that come along every once in a while that makes even hardened clothes-lovers such as myself go ‘…wait, they’re wearing what now?!’ Here are just a few examples of such abominations.

Crocs. Really? I mean…no, really? What is it about a garishly coloured plastic clog that is so inexplicably appealing to people? I mean, I suppose if you were frolicking in the sea and wanted to avoid your feet being stung by jellyfish then yeah maybe, but we live in England, where the possibility of the sea being warm enough to frolic in in the first place is slim to none. Sort it out people.

Uggs. Another shoe whose appeal seems to have flown right over my head. I get that they’re comfy, but surely they must also be in the running for the most impractical shoe every invented? They’re made of fabric, therefore completely non-waterproof! And again, this is England, we practically invented rain!

Harem pants. Don’t get me wrong, loose trousers are fantastic for hiding a multitude of sins. But trousers that sag around the crotch to the point where the wearer gives the appearance of having a full nappy? Not so much.

Bandeau tops/dresses. How do they always manage to make even the skinniest, perkiest of boob among us look like their chest is heading south at an alarming rate? Surely one of the great mysteries of the universe, no?

Onesies. Because apparently a grown adult wearing what is essentially a baby-grow is ok now. For some reason.

 

90’s Shows that Shaped my Life

As a kid, I most definitely had square eyes; TV played a huge part of my life. If you ask me, 90’s shows are by far the best, although being a 90’s kid I am of course ever so slightly biased. Here are just a few of the ones that made me the shining example of womanhood that I am today *ahem*…

Friends – As previously discussed in my ‘Life Lessons I Had to Learn the Hard Way’ post, Friends is an integral part of my life, so much so that I can’t actually remember the first episode I ever watched; it feels as though there was never a time where I didn’t watch it. Of course the ongoing appeal of Friends is its quotablility; you will be hard pushed to find anyone in the world who does not associate the phrase ‘on a break’ with Ross’s desperate defence for sleeping with girl from the copy place (for the record, I am very much on Rachel’s side of the argument on this one, along with the rest of womankind).

Saved by the Bell – Saved by the Bell was a staple of my weekday morning TV schedule. It used to be on Nickelodeon just before Sabrina the Teenage Witch (more on her later) and is possibly THE most 90’s show that has ever existed. Hair scrunchies and stonewashed jeans as far as the eye can see, not to mention Zack’s huge brick of a mobile phone. And on that point, ah Zack, who didn’t have a bit of thing for him? It was a human impossibility not to. Screech was always my favourite, until a couple of years ago when I discovered that the dude who played him had released a sex tape. Thanks for ruining my childhood there, Screech.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch – See, I told you there’d be more. I loved Sabrina the Teenage Witch possibly more than life itself as a kid; as far as I was concerned, it was the pinnacle of all TV. Besides Sabrina’s clothes (for some reason the child-me had her pegged as the ultimate style icon), the highlight was most definitely Salem. To this day, I am bitterly disappointed that none of the cats I have ever owned have been a) able to talk or b) been as sassy as Salem.

The Amanda Show – (Technically The Amanda Show didn’t start until the late 90’s but shush, don’t be so pedantic.) This was HUGE amongst me and my friends at primary school, to the point where at break times we’d act out some of the sketches (primarily The Girl’s Room, a chatshow that took place in, yep you guessed it, the girl’s room. That’s the kind of intellectual humour we’re dealing with here). Watching it back now, besides feeling nostalgic for the days before Amanda Bynes got a tad peculiar, I realise it actually wasn’t even that funny. But it did contain the catchphrase ‘bring in the dancing lobsters!’ so surely that has to count for something.

Life Lessons I Had to Learn the Hard Way

Life is one huge learning curve. There are some lessons that unfortunately, you have no choice but to learn the hard way. Here are my top 5…

Home hair bleaching will always end badly. When I first decided to bleach my hair, I made the fatal mistake of assuming I knew better than the countless online articles I had read stating that bleaching hair should be left to the professionals. Pfft, whatever. What could possibly go wrong, right? Well turns out, quite a lot. I’ll spare you the tales of bleach-stained towels and clothes and simply say that I went through all that palaver just to end up with a shade of hair that could only be described as ‘Simpsons Yellow’. The worst part is, I thought it looked good too. Ah the follies of youth.

‘2 for 1 cocktails before 11pm’ is not a challenge to buy, and indeed drink, as many as possible before said time. It will invariably end up with copious amounts of sick, a blank memory, a hangover the next day that makes you pray for a quick and merciful death, and an event that your friends will take great delight in reminding you of at every available opportunity (*cough* my 20^th birthday *cough*).

Mules look stupid. On everyone. Always. A few years ago, the mule shoe came back into fashion, as hideous things that should probably remain in the past often do. After seeing Alexa Chung (who I idolised at the time, and still secretly do a little bit even now) wearing a pair, of course my inner fashion victim had to have some. Naturally, looking back now I can see that they were impossible to walk in, ugly as hell, and gave my feet the appearance of a pair of hooves. Never again. Well, until Alexa Chung wears another pair of course.

Male friends should probably stay as friends. Enough said on that one, I think…*coughs awkwardly*…let’s move on, shall we?

While we’re on the subject, quoting Friends continually does not go down well with everyone. In my house, Friends quotes make up about 80% of our conversations. However, not everyone worships at the altar of the Friends scriptwriters like we do. In fact, coming out with an unexpected quote, while making you personally feel like a comedy god, can often make those who are not familiar with the show look at you like you’re having some kind of psychotic episode, occasionally laughing awkwardly in the hope that you won’t do it again. If you ever unfortunate enough to find yourself in such a situation, get up and leave immediately without another word. And go and watch Friends instead.